Friday, June 2, 2006
i just watched the sadest move:An Anorexic's Tale: the breif life of Catherin.
she died in the end at 40 lbs and she was like 18 or older
i was bawling in the end
the saddest part was when she was telling her mom that she didn't want to be anorexic and she wanted to eat but she couldn't.
yeah i desided to eat less i'm going to start w/ 600-800cal but i might move it down
i'v been eating stuff and it's all been like "safe foods" but i feel like i'm eating way to much
i love frozen spinich it's really yummy if u put salt and pepper on it
my mom's out of town so it's just me and my dad =( we're going to the ballet tonight ....i'm going to feel lame with my boot on and not to mention fat like i always do when i go to the ballet
i got green tea diet pills today..... i was going to get more effective ones aswell but i didn't have enough money
yeah not much els is new
Wednesday, March 1, 2006
ok so i'v done ok(the bad side of ok) the past few days still too scared to step on a scale i haven't bindged since i last posted whitch i think is a recored but i'v been eating usally 2 bigish meals and 1 small meal and 1 snack a day i am going to try to make it 2medium meals and 1 small meal and 1 snack and then i'll probably loose weight i may have lost a little but i don't know...............
oh by the way my mom found out about me taking laxitives last week and i made up some shit about being constepated and being sick of being constepated and she "chose to believe me" but she callled me ed doc and my theripist so ihave to deal with them ect.
i talked to nixie and she said she liked me too but that she has a boyfriend ect. oh a guy in my class who majorly sexually harrassed me(almost sex)) told his friend james about"hooking up" with me so now i don't have to feel weird about telling ppl cuz he has too
i'm a strange little child..... bysexual, wanna-be-anorexic, sexually harrased(2times), use to be extremly depressed, perfectionest, dancer.... yeah
ok i was also relizing that at school rather than hanging out with nixie and lulu i only hang out with guys..... it's not that i don't like haning out with girls it's just easier in my grade(of 40 kids) to hang out with guys for some reson.... who knows ...any ways..
Thursday, February 23, 2006
k so i am a discusting piece of shit and i went shoping today w/ my friend who is skinny and it made me fee like shite but i got some cute clothing i did ok today but really bad on tus. and wen. i hope i do well tomarrow i think i am going to try to eat 3 meals(small portions) and just fruits and veggies for snacks
i'm still in San Fran now i'm staying with my friend she's really cool it was nice to have a heart to heart yeah..... nixie hasn't posted back kind of nervous but not going in to that now
Monday, February 20, 2006
either i suddenly turned obese overnight without gaining weight( i found my uncles scale) or.... my body distortion disorder got A LOT worse...... atleast it will make me eat less but i hate my body and i hate hating my body......... but good news i lost 5 lbs since fri but my scale and my uncles scale might be a little diferent so i'll see when i get home
i got these kashi go lean bars and there pretty good they have 290c and 5g fat 13g protine and 6g fiber even though they are high cal and fat if i have i for breakfast one for lunch and then fruits vegies and a smart dog for dinner/snacks then it will be like 1000c or less and i am danceing for 1 1/2 hours and going for a 45min high intensity(ish) walk w/ my mom so if i do all thet i would have done well today
Sunday, February 19, 2006
i did it!!
i made myself barf!
i have to say it wasn't very fun or plesent but atleast i know i can do it now yeah if u don't count what i barfed up than i had like 1500 cal. and i did high intensity work out for like 45min and low int for like an hour so i did ok but not that fabulus
i am taking class with a friend of my uncles who has a dance company and after we take a bellet class together i'm going to watch his companies rehersal so i'm exited but there all gonna be like who's that fat girl watching our rehersal but i can't do that much about it before tomarrow morning
ok i ate yesterday probly like 2000 calories but nothiing right before bed witch is good for me
i'm at my uncles now
i got laxitetives and i'm ttaking those and today i'm eating like 1200-1500 cal. and some exersize
today i had....
3 (1cup servings) 800c
1/2 a blueberry muffin 250c
and like a bite of whatever lunch and dinner will be
so that would total like 1050c
i hope i can stick to it!
i really suck at being anarexic :(
Friday, February 17, 2006
ok soo i haven't posted in a while basicly i'm a fat discusting pig and have been eating alot but i'm fasting today and tomarrow and eating minimal when i'm in sanfransisco (i'm going sat. night through fri.) yeah maybe i can get down to 130 by whn i gat back and i want to be 120-115 by my concert (march 17-18)yeah i am on the fron't of the poster once i get the web version i'll post it... i'm like 112lbs in it i look so goood..........i fucking HATE my body!.....
i called teenlink(a hotline where u can just talk to someone) last night and it was really nice we talked about my ED and my sexual abuse and school and dance and it was really nice,.. but it made me realize how screwed up life sounds when i talk about it. yeah i don't think i'll be posting for a while but i'll try
Friday, February 10, 2006
ok so i'v been sick and haven't posted but here is the short of how i'v done
mon- ban i binged at night
tues- bad i ate whaterver i wanted and didn't binge at night
wen- good i had 2 apples and a pack of m&ms totaling at like 400c
thurs- bad i ate sooooo much whitch probably made up for wen.
today- good haveing a glass of oj and a pack of m&ms and a small bite of whatever is for dinner at me friends house.
Tomarrow- an apple and a pack of m&ms or a cany bar or somthing a bite of what is for dinner
sun- an apple m&ms or candy and veggies for dinner
as u can see i have started eating candy... the thing is is it makes me not want to eat large amounts and so if i have like a candy bar for my lunch/snack it's not that bad and it keeps me from binging at night cuz i feel semi gulty and satifided cuz i ate yummy food
i have been to scared to weigh myself but i'll weigh myself on mon morning after having a really low cal weekend
my perents are out of town so i'm staying with my friend tonight and my mom's friend tomarrow
i also have class and relersal today tomarrow and sun so i will always eat the candy before rehersal so i can burn it off
yeah i'm also so stressed about school cuz i have to do the reserch and an out line for a 15-20p paper and do a really hard take home science test and study math and spanish on top of being at other ppls houses and rehersel and class!
yeah i was crying in math today... not going to go into details... but basicly i get what we are doing but i hate my teacher and i fuck up on tests
oh and did i mention i'm sick and have a fever but i can't go home cuz no one is home and i have to go to dance
but i'm in a suprisingly good mood for all that stuff going on so it's ok....but....yeah.... this is a really long post
Monday, February 6, 2006
11:07AM - mon
ok so for
breakfast- i had 3/4 cup of ceareal w/ 1/2 of milk
Lunch- apple 75cal
********************* (the rest is my plan)
dinner-1cupnon fat milk (veggies?) 100 cal ish
i have 2 classes(ballet and modern) and then like an 1 1/2 of rehersal
tomarrows plane is the same as today
i can do it i can do it (self talk)
Sunday, February 5, 2006
ok so i am going to make LJ my food diary and i want ppl to say good job if i don't eat alot and omg u are such a fatty if i eat alot so i would apreciate u'r imput and modevation and i will have daily weigh ins when i am 1 day in cuz right now i'm scared to step on the scale..... i would also have pics but i don't have a digital camara so there goes that but i would apresiate support thanks guys
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
ok so i got sick over the weekend and i'm starting my fast today plan:
B- coffee w/ 1/2 cup of milk
s-1cup of oj
other snacks if needed- celery w/ salsa diet drinks and lots of water and gum
Sunday, January 22, 2006
ok so basicly i relized that i had rehersal for 10+ hours this weekend(sat. and sun) so i desided to postpone my "fast" till mon and i am going to "fast" till sat then i'll have 1 day of recovery before my 1st audition yeah hope every one is well!
Thursday, January 19, 2006
does any one who had an ED doctor or sees a doctor regualerly lie to them about getting your period or cutting or anything?
cuz i dono if i should
ok so i'm auditioning for the boston ballet, North Carolina School of the Arts, and Wallnut Hill summer programs and the 1st audition is coming up in like a week and a 1/2 and there at PNB(pacific NW ballet) so all the girls there re going to be stick thin soooooo.... i am going on a 4 day "fast" (what i consider a fast cuz i usualy eat like 1200-3000 calories) what i'm eating is
coffee with 1/2 milk(0%)-B
apple- before dance snack
boca burger-after dance snack
other snacks if needed are- water, green tea, low cal veggies
yeah i'm really exxited abot it it's like less than 300 cal w/out vegies and like 400 with i hope i looose alot of weight and depending how i feel i might extend the "fast" also i dancec like 20+ hours a week so i'll burn like 3x the amount of cal i'm taking in
wish me luck :)
Thursday, January 12, 2006
ok i feel like i suck at life in general. i suck at dance even though i work my ass off i am smart but i didn't finish a math test today so i'm gonna get a bad score and last and defennately not least i am a fat peice of lard and i bindged yesterday.....yeah sorry bout the whole complaining thing i just feel like a big fat usless lardcake
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
is any one els dying from not danceing over break!? yeah i only have dance 2 days a week over break insted of 6 days cant wait to go back to dance!